Wanting
I used to not know what I wanted.
I foolishly thought that was the worst thing ever,
Not knowing myself enough to want.
Not allowing myself to want.
Now, I know what I want.
Only, I’m afraid to chase after it.
I know myself, but I don’t believe.
I allow myself, but what good is it when it’s only in my head?
I wanted to want.
I denied myself.
I want.
Why do I keep denying?
Truth: I like to grumble about my lack of a social life, and
my unmet need for friendship outside of family and work.
It would be easy for me to blame this lack of social
interaction on certain factors in my life, and on those people who have moved
on and left me behind. Certainly those things did have an impact, but they are
not the real problem here.
Truth: I have always been the only thing standing in my way.
I’m afraid of looking silly, or feeling awkward and
out of place. I have been stuck in the same holding pattern of wishing, and
wanting, and complaining, while never actually doing anything to change my situation.
Truth:
I’m tired of being afraid.
I’m tired of feeling alone.
I’m tired of being afraid to want.
So I have issued a challenge to myself: Do something that
scares me everyday.
I’m affectionately calling this The Fear Project. I
don’t know how long this adventure will last, or even if I will be able to achieve my goal on a daily basis.
Perhaps I will continue until I have learned all I can from the experience, or
succeeded in learning how to control my own demons. Perhaps I will continue
until I run out of things that scare me (which will never happen!). My goal is
simply to learn and grow as I challenge myself to experience new things. I know that each fear I chose, whether big or
small, will teach me something about myself, and about the world and the people
that surround me.
There will be days when I simply cannot make it happen, whether
it’s from lack of time, motivation, or opportunity. And I know there will be
days when I simply won't be able to muster the courage. I forgive myself for those days,
right here and now, so that I will not be hindered by the desire to beat myself
up over them when they happen.
It's time to start
being scared.
Carpe Diem!
Steph
"Something we were withhold made us weak until we found out it was ourselves." ~Robert Frost
"I'm a jumble of passions, misgivings, and wants. It seems that I'm always in a state of wishing and rarely in a state of contentment." ~Libba Bray, The Sweet Far Thing
Photo taken by Kim Landis
